Recently, we’ve been watching the Netflix series, Suits, for the first time. First released in the 2010s, this is the series that made Megan Markle famous.
We’re only part way through, but we’re hooked. And in asking ourselves why, we realized that in every problem, or lawsuit, or takeover attempt the characters encounter, and no matter how sophisticated the law and analytical tools they employ…
the problem is usually based on personal relationships.
And though we humans are endlessly fascinated by our personal relationships, that doesn’t mean we know how to handle them well.
Even with a minor frustration, our first instinct might be to blame someone else. And this is as prevalent at work as in our personal lives.
“It couldn’t be my fault—I was perfectly clear. And polite. He’s a d-ck.”
“He hates me/is jealous/wants my position/wants my stuff/wants my girl.”
“I said I didn’t care about the corner office, but I really do. And she should have known that!”
In our right minds, we know the blame game is something we help children grow out of.
To avoid that trap as adults, let’s focus on two underlying ways we get in trouble with other people:
First, assumptions. We often assume we know the reason a problem persists, and proceed according to our own ideas about it.
The other party has assumptions too. Did you stop to think about that?
In my days of scientific research, I found checking assumptions to be a powerful tool to open up a new area of questioning. What is it that “everybody” knows? What is that based on? It might just be an assumption that has fallen into the realm of accepted fact. Asking different questions may uncover new truths.
That example is based in assumptions about facts. There are other ways assumptions get us in trouble.
Assuming another person’s motives. We misinterpret their intentions and let misunderstandings build-up and strain relationships. This is especially true if we ourselves feel misunderstood.
Assuming what someone else needs or wants. Without asking them, this can result in actions that miss the mark. Frustration, anger, and even dismissal can result.
Assuming everyone sees a situation the same way. Two business partners assume they will work as hard as necessary to get their business going and thriving. A few years in, the “hard-as-I-can-go” partner is still going and feels overworked and under-appreciated. The partner whose idea of “hard-as-necessary” encompasses checking in on the business and doing her part includes frequent breaks for travel and the beach each year. Each resents the other but hasn’t had the hard conversation—how does our business support the life I want to live?
Assuming others understand your perspective without clearly communicating it can lead to confusion, ineffective solutions, and bad decisions.
Ignoring diverse perspectives overlooks important viewpoints and hinders collaborative problem-solving. If the main assumption comes from a top dog, the power relationship stifles inquiry too. Assuming characteristics or behaviors based on stereotypes or worse, bias, can lead to unfair judgments and hinder objective problem-solving processes.
And the second way we get in trouble with other people is perception:
My perception is often your “misperception”.
Misperception is a very common word in our relationship lexicon, but really, most people cling to their own perception as correct and remain suspicious of other’s perceptions.
A powerful reason for this is that people in the same situation pay attention to a wide variety of details and different ones at that.
In other words, different people perceive the same situation differently.
This attention bias is well known but often overlooked in the heat of a moment or in a power struggle.
In her book Rapt: Attention and the Focused Life, author Winifred Gallagher describes how what we pay attention to defines not only our perception of a situation but also the quality of our relationships.
The whole family can be at the Thanksgiving table, experiencing the same events. Yet, haven’t you had the experience that later, several people remember things very differently? And since we all carry baggage to the dining table, memories of how things happened, of who told the best joke or started the fight or said the hurtful thing are not the same for everyone.
There is also confirmation bias, where people ignore contradictory evidence and limit their ability to objectively identify the problem.
When judgment is clouded by emotional bias, strong emotions like fear, anger, or falling in love can stifle consideration of alternative perspectives or solutions. Either the other person is classified as “never does anything right” or “can do no wrong”.
We are people. We get stuck. Especially if we don’t examine either assumptions or perceptions, our own or others.
And how best to unstick ourselves?
Step out of being isolated. Talk with the other people. Invite them to a conversation. Explore your assumptions, mutual or otherwise. Be curious about their perspective. Ask questions. What makes them see things the way they do? Ask for their perceptions about a situation you are both in and ask if you could describe yours. Is there an overlap you can work with?
Be gentle. This is delicate. Try to stay neutral. And if there is a disagreement or conflict, it doesn’t have to be resolved at that moment. It’s not a loss to agree to disengage and come back to it later.
Most of us don’t live in the high-powered environment of Suits, where a do-or-die proposal is slapped on the desk with an hour to take it or leave it. But even in that fictional world, the relationships among the firm’s members are tender. Past hurts, present challenges, and fear of the future are all roiling around. They keep referring to themselves as a family. Not everyone is OK or not OK at the same time.
My husband had a great metaphor: Play this like Pick-up Sticks. Examine the lay of the sticks. Choose just one to move and do it very gently. Then the next.
It all starts with a conversation—and the first one is with yourself.
Lorette Pruden has helped hundreds of small business owners, sales professionals, entrepreneurs, and community leaders grow their businesses and manage that growth since 2000. She specializes in the Formerly Corporate—so many small business owners who’ve worked with her come from a corporate background that she finally wrote the book on it.
